First Step: Safety

If you are currently being physically violated, no matter how frequently, you must get yourself and your children to a safe place.  Choose from among the following options:

• Call the police.
• Call a domestic violence hotline.
• Call or go to a women’s shelter
• Call or go to the home of a family member or friend.
• Call a trusted clergy member.
• Reach out to a neighbor.

Do something.  Say something.  Do not remain silent.  Do not tolerate violence.  If you are physically violated once, and you do nothing, you will be violated again.  Abusers don’t just decide to change.  The abusive behavior is embedded in them; they can’t change without intervention. You will not be able to change this person, no matter what you say or do.

Many of us get ourselves so emotionally attached to the abuser, that we become protective.  When the police arrive, we say, “Never mind.”   When a friend opens her house to us, we return or stay with the abuser.  We say, “I’ll be okay.”  Please know – you will not be okay.  Your children will not be okay if you stay in an abusive environment.  We fear making changes, but we must.

You must leave or get the abuser out of the house.  You must use your inner wisdom, along with all of the strength and courage you can muster, to do something!  However, you must not harm yourself or physically harm your abuser.  You will end up in jai!  Who will take care of your children?  You have bigger things to do than resorting to violence yourself.  You must get yourself to a safe place!  Once you are there, you will begin to trust  your own abilities – the abilities that were always there!

Back in my abused days, I put a lot of energy into pretending.  I pretended that things were not as bad as they were. I hoped that I could stumble upon the right thing to do or say.  Please know this:  You cannot change another person! You can only change yourself.  It is difficult for this profound truth to sink into the head and heart of an abused person.

Be aware and be alert.  Once you leave the abuser, this person may become  even more dangerous.  Anger and vindictiveness can drive the abuser to seek you and the children out for harm depending on their pathology.  Do all you can to keep yourself safe.  Find people you can trust and stay around them.   Abusers enjoy your isolation.  Your days of trying to please the abuser are over!

Wishing you all of the peace you wish for yourself,

Joanne